If walking to the park, playing at the park, and then walking home from the park without adult supervision puts our children in danger maybe we could mitigate the danger by arming them with cans of food.
If we're going to have shit for brains we might as well go all out.
Everyone should carry an 8-ounce can of food with them at all times for self protection. And we should amend the Constitution to make that a right. And no canned goods regulation should be allowed to infringe upon this right.
After all, if we outlaw canned goods then only outlaws will have canned goods. Convicted felons lose their right to canned goods. It's boxes of pasta or a cup of noodles for them.
And I have the right to carry a 104-ounce can of chili if I want to. (Yes, they exist, but they're expensive. Relatively speaking.)
If any bleeding heart liberal politicians tries to force background checks upon us, a brave constitution-loving patriot will appeal to my irrational emotions, and in a glorious moment of confirmation bias, stand up and tell us what is and is not the law. We will not comply!!!
Nothing takes the fight out of a man like a slug in the chest.